Sorry, everyone

nerdware · Post by **nerdware** » Thu Mar 10, 2011 5:44 am

In some way that I can't understand (probably one of my many autistic failures, the abrasive personality), I have pissed off one of my fav 5U vendors. So I wish now to apologise in general to anyone I may have unwittingly offended here.

Also, as this vendor is an active member of this forum, I hope to keep a very low profile. I may even leave the forum entirely, but right now the idea hurts too much. I love this forum.

Perhaps I should simply not care who I offend, like many of my peers in the IT world, but this is not as IT forum. I may sometimes forget that, only being human, so...I'll try to lurk here rather post. That way, I can minimise any possible risk of causing offence.

Thank you all, whoever you are, whether you accept this apology or not. I'm infinitely enamoured with this forum, in spite of my mistakes, in spite of everything.

suitandtieguy · Post by **suitandtieguy** » Thu Mar 10, 2011 5:51 am

dude it's cool man, i wasn't offended when you told me you didn't like DIN sync.

Synesthesia · Post by **Synesthesia** » Thu Mar 10, 2011 6:05 am

WHAT !!! HE DIDN'T LIKE DIN SYNC ??? OMFG

ahahah just kidding

bwhittington · Post by **bwhittington** » Thu Mar 10, 2011 7:07 am

Compromise: make it up to him by placing a big order. Win-win.

nerdware · Post by **nerdware** » Thu Mar 10, 2011 7:48 am

bwhittington wrote:Compromise: make it up to him by placing a big order. Win-win.

There are several problems with that strategy: #1 It would be years before I could make such a big order. I don't even know when I'll be able to make a small order #2 I have no idea whether this would work #3 If it fails, what do I get? What kind of support could I get from a vendor who doesn't want to communicate with me? #4 Nothing will change what I am. If I can't recognise when I'm offending someone, I should make the maximum effort to minimise that risk, and the best way to do that is to minimise all contact.

So I'm accepting this as a painful reminder of my failings. I'll literally pay for it, with orders to other vendors and higher costs due to more expensive shipping etc. If I get a defective module, that'll add even more to the cost. I should also minimise support, as that would increase the risk of giving offence.

I may also need to reconsider my DIY projects, for many of the same reasons. I'll try to complete what I can, but I should do it without asking for help on forums. I certainly won't have the option of paying anyone else to build a module for me.

So I will pay very greatly for being, as someone put it, an "ass hole". That should be "autistic ass hole", but the distinction doesn't help in any useful way. It simply means I have to live with it, and try harder to avoid inflicting myself on others.

Anyway, thanks for your support. I don't deserve it, but I appreciate it anyway.

snoop · Post by **snoop** » Thu Mar 10, 2011 7:57 am

Can`t you communicate via email and get a non-asshole reader to go through the email before you send it?

doctorvague · Post by **doctorvague** » Thu Mar 10, 2011 8:01 am

He's pissed off at you but won't tell you why?
Have you tried personally apologizing (not just this thread)? Is it refused?

I find this a bit ironic with the few really abrasive personalities here that constantly buy tons of gear. And now I'm recalling a few vendor rants posted here from time to time that were less than diplomatic too... but then we don't know what was said/done in your case either.

In any case, I hope you don't leave, and I hope this gets resolved for everyone concerned. You're a good contributor here.

Bryan B · Post by **Bryan B** » Thu Mar 10, 2011 8:14 am

I don't know what you did, but I think you should keep posting if you love it here.

These are ideas that have helped me a ton:

(1) Always read your posts 3 times slowly before posting. They go to the internet and stay there forever.

(2) Things can be taken the wrong way very easily. Humor is lost, words can mean more than you want them to etc. Always make sure the person knows what your intent was before it gets out of hand.

(3) Admit when you are wrong. Apologies are good as long as they don't start the next fight.

(4) Realize everyone has a passion for something. If you are dissing anything, chances are good someone will get offended. Negativity brings conflict.

doctorvague · Post by **doctorvague** » Thu Mar 10, 2011 8:24 am

Bryan B wrote:
(3) Admit when you are wrong. Apologies are good as long as they don't start the next fight.

Those are good Bryan - I especially liked #3. I was running an open mic recently and this gal was giving me a raft of unnecessary shit. Then she came up later to "apologize" and just started giving me more crap all over again. Those kinds of "apologies" don't count!

Fnord · Post by **Fnord** » Thu Mar 10, 2011 8:25 am

I think you're being too hard on yourself, and you certainly shouldn't put yourself into some sort of self imposed exile just because you feel you offended someone.

bwhittington · Post by **bwhittington** » Thu Mar 10, 2011 8:41 am

nerdware wrote:
bwhittington wrote:Compromise: make it up to him by placing a big order. Win-win.
There are several problems with that strategy: #1 It would be years before I could make such a big order. I don't even know when I'll be able to make a small order #2 I have no idea whether this would work #3 If it fails, what do I get? What kind of support could I get from a vendor who doesn't want to communicate with me? #4 Nothing will change what I am.

#5, I was teasing.

My honest assessment? No one here seems to know what you are talking about. Was this a forum-related incident? If not, the public self-flagellation seems unwarranted. There are 3,000 members here now. It's perfectly okay if you don't get along with one. If the rift between you embarrasses you so much, you could just avoid threads that he posts to. Or "ignore" him. There is no reason to leave.

Cheers,
Brian

nerdware · Post by **nerdware** » Thu Mar 10, 2011 8:52 am

This was in the #muffwiggler IRC channel on Mibbit. It took me several days to realise that something was seriously wrong. (Another failure.) I tried apologising by email, but all I got was a reply refering to various "snide comments" and a request to not reply. I've no idea what these offensive comments were. Anyway, I left the chatroom and don't intend to rejoin ever.

I don't wish to give any more details, as this was not their fault. It was entirely my failure to communicate.

Soy Sos · Post by **Soy Sos** » Thu Mar 10, 2011 8:59 am

Since you went "public" with it, this person is or will be soon aware of the situation. Is it that he doesn't like you or you have repeatably done something to annoy or offend? Do you have business with this vendor? You like his product but he won't sell to you? Folks here seem to be pretty understanding, maybe a friend would offer to be your go-between. You refer to yourself as autistic. Perhaps you have a form of Asperger's Syndrome. Difficulty with social cues, don't seem to know when to leave something alone. I have a cousin like that, he's not a bad guy, he just has a hard time knowing when to stop. In the meantime you could talk to a professional and gain some additional insight if this is the sort of thing affecting greater parts of your life. Don't be bummed, you took a step today.

jbartee · Post by **jbartee** » Thu Mar 10, 2011 9:05 am

Being autistic is not a prerequisite for causing offense. To exist is to offend. There is not a single thing you can think, say, or do that will not offend someone, somewhere.

Please take this in the spirit with which it is intended: you are not special. There is nothing extraordinary about your situation that would warrant self-imposed exile. You're just a dude who pissed off some other dude. We have all been on both sides of those sorts of exchanges.

Calm down, have a

, etc. This is not the end of the world.

Fnord · Post by **Fnord** » Thu Mar 10, 2011 9:26 am

It's not like you took a shit in someone's sink. Come back to the channel, I for one enjoy your company there.

nerdware · Post by **nerdware** » Thu Mar 10, 2011 9:42 am

I'm not pissed off at anyone. I'm hurt and confused, but I don't blame anyone but myself. The person I've offended is a vendor I've bought from, and I still highly recommend their products, but I won't be able to buy any more of them myself. I thought our relationship was very friendly, but apparently I was mistaken. It will be impossible now. No email, no support...

Fortunately, there are other 5U vendors, and I'm far less likely to offend them if I avoid any kind of socialising with them. So, if I de-friend anyone in any online social media this week, it won't be personal. It'll just be a precaution because I'd like to someday buy something from you.

xart · Post by **xart** » Thu Mar 10, 2011 9:43 am

nerdware wrote:That should be "autistic ass hole"

I would *highly* suggest you get out of the computer and go to a meet a few people on this forum or start your own 'modular synth real time jam session' with other 'creatives' here on muffwiggler...

Your "communication disorder" is not very unique among creatives in the electronic music community... many of us struggle with commnuication in diffrent ways..like jbartee said, "you are not special."

Relax.

nerdware · Post by **nerdware** » Thu Mar 10, 2011 10:08 am

Unfortunately, most people on this forum live to far away from me to ever meet up. Otherwise that would be an excellent idea. Well, usually. I don't believe I've yet to offend anyone at an online meet-up, but...how would I know? I rely on people to give me cues. That's why I'm more comfortable in the IT world, and why I neglected the synth world for so many years - IT folk tend to be very blunt and direct. I'm one of them, so...well, umm.

I agree that I'm not special. I know hordes of people like myself. That's part of the problem - sometimes I find someone who either doesn't like the abrasiveness, or who is even more abrasive themselves. Most of the people I don't get on with are in one of these two categories, but there's another category: people who I appear to get on with, but who suddenly one day take offence.

My only complaint, which is a very minor one, is that they didn't express their true feelings at the first opportunity, but instead politely kept quiet. I never expect that! It's not how I, or my peers, think at all. We expect everyone to be scrupulously honest, because that's what we are. Nevermind that our honesty sometimes hurts someone's feelings.

So I tend to assume that if people appear friendly, and to not take offence, then that is exactly how things are. That's why I'm now warning people in advance. Please tell me when I offend you. Don't hide your feelings just to be polite, as that'll only mislead me and later result in confusion, and very likely pain.

I've seen friendships destroyed like that, and I had nothing to do with it. I just witnessed some of it from a distance. Years later, I still have no idea how it happened. It was too painful for anyone concerned to speak about, so I stopped asking.

Anyway, now you know why I changed my user icon and sig today.

skweeegor · Post by **skweeegor** » Thu Mar 10, 2011 10:30 am

Jesus man, from here, your biggest problem isn't poor social skills but a lack of confidence. This woe is me shit doesn't help anyone, especially yourself. So you pissed someone off - that's not being autistic or an asshole, it's being human. Apologize, and if they don't accept big fucking deal; just move on.

Popski · Post by **Popski** » Thu Mar 10, 2011 10:43 am

If you aren't quite sure if your post will be offensive or not, add dancing bacon

Just me · Post by **Just me** » Thu Mar 10, 2011 10:55 am

I've pissed off more than one person in my life. (It used to be a goal of mine to see how quick I could do it.) By actually working at turning that mindset around, I've been able to keep most folks at least cordial. My goal has never been to make 'friends' on line, only to have discourse over things I am passionate about.

Instead of whining and being coy about wanting some sort of attention, suck it up. Appologize to the person you offended and move on. Learn from the mistake and do not repeat it. Hiding will not improve things. You HAVE to interact with people to get better at interacting with people.

I'm curious as to what kind of support you would need from a builder. I've only had one thing ever break I could not fix on my own. (And I still haven't sent that in to have it serviced.)
You want something that a person makes and are afraid to go through them, then get on the B/S/T forum and get a used one.

But if all you want is to cry for and then refuse attention, by all means continue on your present course.

Sheesh. Artists!

dude · Post by **dude** » Thu Mar 10, 2011 11:20 am

Popski wrote:If you aren't quite sure if your post will be offensive or not, add dancing bacon

lol and if there is one thing i hate more than midi it is dinsync

no joke

sorry, this thread is ridiculous and dr nerdware you are fun as hell to talk to on the chat channel so i hope i get to talk to you there again sometime.

i will add a dancing hotdog though

joke/no joke

nerdware · Post by **nerdware** » Thu Mar 10, 2011 11:22 am

I've pissed off people on this forum before, and on IRC, but this is a vendor. BTW, he's assured me that he'll still give me product support. That's great. So this is just a personal issue. I know how to compartmentalise the personal and the professional. I just need to know where the boundaries are. Perhaps they'll be a little, or a lot, clearer now!

suitandtieguy · Post by **suitandtieguy** » Thu Mar 10, 2011 11:26 am

you need to hang out in Peoria IL and ask around, just to see how well someone can piss people off, just for perspective.

(btw, if it isn't obvious, that someone is me. i was much angrier a few years ago.)

suitandtieguy · Post by **suitandtieguy** » Thu Mar 10, 2011 11:27 am

btw, it was all completely justified. lawl.

MOD WIGGLER

MOD WIGGLER

Sorry, everyone

Sorry, everyone